Sleeping with a Foe

First published in ME Magazine

“O mankind, We have created you from a male and a female and have made you into nations and tribes for you to know one another. Truly, the noblest of you with God is the most pious. Truly, God is All-Knowing, All-Aware” (Qur’an, 49:13)

The above verse is taken from the Holy Qur’an, the Holy Book of Muslims like me. This verse shows that human beings are equal and God judges us based not on wealth, power, or race, but on our faith, good deeds, and piety. This shows that racism is not allowed in Islam.

Nowadays, however, the word “terrorism” has a second self and that is the word “Muslim.” We Muslims are regarded as destroyers of peace because of the constant horrible and alarming attacks caused by Islamic radicals and fanatics who have their own interpretation of the word of Allah the Almighty. Sad to say, these fundamentalists’ hatred for non-Muslims has created the latter’s mistrust and abhorrence towards the Islamic community as a whole.

So what if a Muslim marries a person not of the Islamic faith? Will their marriage be happy and peaceful? How will their union affect their families and friends? Will they raise their children as Muslims or not?

Come and let us take a peak into the married lives of Ahmad Aquil Tamano (a Muslim Filipino) and Maria Antonette “Toni” Ong (a Catholic Chinese), and Vernie Damolo (formerly a Roman Catholic) and Shahanee Kadon (a Muslim Filipina).

Toni met Aquil at the Philhealth regional office in Cagayan de Oro City where they both work since the year 2000. They were close friends and called themselves “Picasso buddies” because they frequented the nearby Picasso bar. A best friend of Aquil who was also an office mate courted Toni. However, destiny had another plan and it was for Toni and Aquil to end up with each other.

Because of their difference in religion, the couple tried to hide their relationship from their respective families. Their love for each other however pushed them to secretly get married. They rented a room at a four-star hotel, hired an Imam (a religious leader in Islam), got two witnesses, and there got wed under Islamic rites.

At first the union angered their families. “My family was upset with the marriage because I was the eldest child and I got hitched at the young age of 23,” Toni related. “Then there was the issue on religion. No offense meant but with the current situation, the image of Muslims worldwide was not good. I just explained to my family that not all Muslims are bad. When they finally got to know my husband, their biases were erased.”

The birth of Ahmad Rasheed paved a way to fully earn their families’ blessings. “Everything is now going on smoothly,” Toni said. “I believe our families have accepted us. Belonging to different religions does not mean that we cannot be happy.”

The contrast in faith sometimes brings out intelligent discussions between the two but they have never fought or argued because of this. “We made a deal that we will not force each other to convert to the other’s religion,” Toni said. “Should I embrace Islam, it should be with willingness and with an open heart and mind. But it never reached the point that we wanted to give up because of different religions. We will however inject Islam to our children.” Alhamdulillah, Toni has embraced Islam.

If given the chance to live her life again, would she still marry a Muslim? Toni answered, “I would marry a man who has the qualities of a good husband and a good father just like Aquil. Religion is not a question. What is important is we understand our differences and that we love each other.”

Shahanee on the other hand was born and will forever be a Muslim while Vernie was a Roman Catholic before. He converted to Islam two years before he and Shahanee tied the knot. The two have been friends for a very long time and so Vernie was aware that Shahanee could never marry a non-Muslim.

“He actually wondered what difference it makes marrying a Muslim rather than a Christian man,’” Shahanee stated. “I did not know then that he was starting to like me. He asked me how he could get to know more about my religion. I then gave him books and pamphlets on Islam for him to read. I also told him to meet the people in the mosque so he can learn more about Islam.”

The road to marrying Shahanee was however a very bumpy one for Vernie. “It was like the song, ‘You and me against the world’,” Shahanee said. “Most of my relatives wanted me to marry a man with the same tribe as ours (the Maguindanao tribe from Magundanao province) and a born Muslim.”

Vernie’s family was skeptical about his earnest desire to marry a Muslim girl. They wanted him to marry someone with the same culture and values as theirs. They were also worried about how much dowry (bridal money) would be demanded by Shahanee’s family. In Islam, dowry is the gift of the groom to the bride and is a prerequisite to marriage.

Because Vernie converted to Islam two years before they got married, things were easier for him and Shahanee. “Prior to our union, he was given two years to think, reflect and try to get rid of the things that Islam prohibit its believers such as drinking liquor, gambling, etc.’” Shahanee narrated.

The two now have a beautiful son named Zaid. Because they are Muslims, they will teach Zaid the Islamic way of life which is a life based on the Holy Qur’an and the tradition of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), the Messenger of Allah the Almighty.

I asked Shahanee if she was given the chance to live her life again, would she still marry a man not of the same faith as hers. She replied, “I had studied in Catholic schools from elementary until college. I realized that Christianity and Islam have lots of similarities. To love Allah above all, to be kind and dutiful to one’s parents, to respect and deal with others with justice. The line of difference between Christianity and Islam is the belief in Christ (may peace be upon him). The Christians believe that Christ is one of the three persons in one God-the trinity, while in Islam, we consider him as one of the prophets sent by God. The teachings of Christ were continued by the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him).”

When I asked these two strong-willed women what the key to a successful and happy marriage is, Toni replied, “There should be love, respect, open-mindedness, understanding, trust, support, and most importantly, friendship. Aquil and I treat each other as best friends. We share with each other our fears, plans, funny childhood memories, and even the latest gossip.”

Shahanee said to achieve a successful marriage requires you and your partner to have the same faith and fear in God. “For if one is conscious in his relationship with his Creator, he will be careful in his words and actions with others,” she voiced. “Very important also is that everything a man does should seek only God’s pleasure.”

Two loving couples. Their different family backgrounds and roots have not stopped them to keep their marriage alive. In fact, I gather that it is these differences that have molded them into better people. They have become broad-minded, accepting, deferential, considerate, and objective human beings.

I am a Maranao-Muslim and was wedded to a fellow Maranao-Muslim. And yet, the union lasted for only six years. So having the same faith or culture is not really a guarantee that your marriage will last. (Sigh!)

Despite this failure I had undergone, I constantly say marriage is still a wonderful gift from God. However, a lasting one is a miracle. I constantly wish the Aquil-Toni and Vernie-Shahanee tandems (and all the other couples) in the world the miracle they deserve. 