TOO MANY WIVES SPOILED THE BROTH

One of my greatest fears when I was still married was what if my then husband decided one day to marry another woman since in Islam, it is permissible to have more than one wife. To somehow lessen my fears, I told him that should he take more than one spouse, it would be better if he would divorce me first because I could not bear sharing my husband with another woman. It gives me the creeps thinking that whatever he does to me he would do to another woman the following day. And this he does with my knowledge and it is something I could not even complain about.

I would find myself asking religious people about the concept of polygamy or the concept of having more than one wife. Even though I am no longer married and have divorced not due to polygamy but for other reasons, I still want to know the rule of having more than one wife just for the sake of knowledge. I know there must be a catch somewhere about marrying more than one. I mean, men cannot have their cake and eat it too. Islam, I know, is a religion of equality , and allowing husbands to marry more than one can be a form of emotional abuse in the part of the wives. I knew that somehow men with greedy intentions who entered polygamy could abuse the word of God should they want to.

Lo and behold, I was right after all. God’s wisdom is truly great and incomparable. My research led me to Qur’anic verses that I find do NOT promote polygamy. So you Muslim men reading this, I hope you find these verses taken from the Holy Qur’an informative and enlightening:

1. If you fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans marry women of your choice, two, or three, or four; but if ye fear that ye may not be perfectly equitable in treating more than one wife, then you shall be content with one (4:3).

In Islam, it is legal to have four wives on the condition that men can be fair and just to all. When one says fair and just, this means the husband should be able to give all his wives equal time, equal love, and equal wealth. He must make sure that everything is equal, not one of his wife must receive a second or a cent more than the other. Is this possible then? Maybe Superman can do it but definitely not a mere human being. One psychologist I spoke to says it is impossible to love two people equally. Therefore, it is better to marry just one if you cannot deal with your wives evenly as advised by the Holy Qur’an.

2. You cannot be equitable in a polygamous relationship, no matter how hard you try. (4:129)

This verse confirms what the psychologist I spoke to said. It is impossible to really commit your love, time, and wealth to more than one person. Just imagine if both wives get pregnant at the same time and both are expected to deliver in the exact time. Whom will the husband go to? Naturally, the question of which woman he loves more will guide him as to whom he should prioritize.

My grandfather, the late Senator Ahmad Domocao Alonto, who is considered a top Muslim leader in the Philippines, had more than one wife. I remember he once told us, if men want to experience hell in this world, they should marry more than one. In terms of finances, I really would not know who between my late grandmother or the second wife got more money from him but the way I saw it, as he grew old, I think he found it difficult and exhausting to travel from Marawi City to Manila and then back again to spend equal time with his two wives. The psychological and emotional turmoil this set-up brought was hard to bear not only for him but also for his wives. Yes, sometimes, I would hear my grandmother complain to him. But then as best as Papa Domie could, he tried to make most of his situation. And yet, he still managed to say, and I repeat, “if men want to experience hell in this world, they should marry more than one.”

3. Polygamy to substitute a younger wife is an abuse of God’s law (4:19).

Muslim men sometimes do abuse the rule on polygamy. They just marry up to four wives for reasons of lust, infatuation, masculinity, and pride. The above verse implies that it is abuse of God’s law when a man marries more than one for the reasons that I have just stated. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), the Messenger of God, enjoyed a monogamous marriage with Khadjia, his first wife, for twenty-five years. For the remaining years of his life, he married the widow of his friends who had children and could not provide for themselves. He married them for purposes of survival and not lust. Therefore, in Islam, a man should follow this example. God will even bless him if his intentions are this pure and beneficial to the women like the widows.

www.subission.org, a source material on Islam, in the internet states that:

One of the basic criteria that must be observed in contemplating Islam is that it must alleviate pain and suffering and not cause any pain and suffering. The Quranic limitations against polygamy point out the possibility of abusing God’s law. Therefore, unless we are absolutely sure that God’s law will not be abused, we had better resist our lust and stay away from polygamy. If the circumstances do not dictate polygamy, we had better give our full attention to one wife and one set of children. The children’s psychological and social well being, especially in countries where polygamy is prohibited, almost invariably dictate monogamy.

My girl cousin, Naima, is married to a man with a first wife. Almost two decades ago, she divorced her husband when she found out that he has not separated at all from the first wife. When their son reached his pre-teen years, he got sick for almost a month and was confined in the hospital. It was found out that the child was somehow suffering from depression due to the divorce. He then asked his parents to get back together and after more than ten years, his parents finally decided to reconcile. Now, Naima is content with the presence of the first wife in her husband’s life.

“Being happy or lonely in a relationship is just a state of mind,” Naima narrates. “If you accept that anything in life is given by God to you, and that God’s answer to our prayers are far wiser, than we do not have a problem. What is important is I have accepted that his other family is a part of him. As long as he does not neglect us, then this set-up is all right with me. The only disadvantage is that sometimes he is not there for me when I need him because it is his time for his other family. But so far it is okay to have a ‘co-wife’.”

My friend, Andie Arobinto, has twenty-six other siblings. His late father had three wives. Andie’s mother was the second wife. His mother divorced his father after bearing three children with him. When I asked Andie what he thought were the reasons why suddenly his mother gave up, he said, “She wanted to have a job so as to earn for her children’s future. She feared that with twenty-seven children, my father would not be able to really meet all of our needs. Aside from that, my father was not able to handle later on the time management he was supposed to give his wives.”

I asked Andie how he felt being in such a situation, with two stepmothers and plenty of siblings. “It’s fun. My brothers and sisters help one another. I don’t think there ever was a time my mother and the other wives fought. My mother is a lawyer and she just really wanted to pursue her career for our future.”

Well, the way I see it, Islam allowed polygamy for two reasons; 1) to help widows and their children. However, in these present times, many women have access to work and can provide for themselves and children, therefore not really needing a partner to take care of them. 2) To save children from illegitimacy. In these present times, various men have illegal affairs with women and later on, bear children with them. Islam does not want illegitimacy because this provides a psychological effect on children. Islam places such importance on the children and wants their rights and welfare to be protected. To therefore avoid illegitimacy, suffering, and pain, a Muslim man must therefore just stick to one wife and be faithful to her. The Quran and the Bible both say, “Be good to your wife!”

So to all the readers who think that Muslims can have more than one wife, there are restrictions to this rule and nobody is allowed to abuse God’s word. Muslim women, let us equip your husbands with this knowledge. J