First published in ME Magazine
“O mankind, We have created you from a male and a female and have made you into nations and tribes for you to know one another. Truly, the noblest of you with God is the most pious. Truly, God is All-Knowing, All-Aware” (Qur’an, 49:13)
The above verse is taken from the Holy Qur’an, the Holy Book of Muslims like me. This verse shows that human beings are equal and God judges us based not on wealth, power, or race, but on our faith, good deeds, and piety. This shows that racism is not allowed in Islam.
Nowadays, however, the word “terrorism” has a second self and that is the word “Muslim.” We Muslims are regarded as destroyers of peace because of the constant horrible and alarming attacks caused by Islamic radicals and fanatics who have their own interpretation of the word of Allah the Almighty. Sad to say, these fundamentalists’ hatred for non-Muslims has created the latter’s mistrust and abhorrence towards the Islamic community as a whole.
So what if a Muslim marries a person not of the Islamic faith? Will their marriage be happy and peaceful? How will their union affect their families and friends? Will they raise their children as Muslims or not?
Come and let us take a peak into the married lives of Ahmad Aquil Tamano (a Muslim Filipino) and Maria Antonette “Toni” Ong (a Catholic Chinese), and Vernie Damolo (formerly a Roman Catholic) and Shahanee Kadon (a Muslim Filipina).
Toni met Aquil at the Philhealth regional office in Cagayan de Oro City where they both work since the year 2000. They were close friends and called themselves “Picasso buddies” because they frequented the nearby Picasso bar. A best friend of Aquil who was also an office mate courted Toni. However, destiny had another plan and it was for Toni and Aquil to end up with each other.
Because of their difference in religion, the couple tried to hide their relationship from their respective families. Their love for each other however pushed them to secretly get married. They rented a room at a four-star hotel, hired an Imam (a religious leader in Islam), got two witnesses, and there got wed under Islamic rites.
At first the union angered their families. “My family was upset with the marriage because I was the eldest child and I got hitched at the young age of 23,” Toni related. “Then there was the issue on religion. No offense meant but with the current situation, the image of Muslims worldwide was not good. I just explained to my family that not all Muslims are bad. When they finally got to know my husband, their biases were erased.”
The birth of Ahmad Rasheed paved a way to fully earn their families’ blessings. “Everything is now going on smoothly,” Toni said. “I believe our families have accepted us. Belonging to different religions does not mean that we cannot be happy.”
The contrast in faith sometimes brings out intelligent discussions between the two but they have never fought or argued because of this. “We made a deal that we will not force each other to convert to the other’s religion,” Toni said. “Should I embrace Islam, it should be with willingness and with an open heart and mind. But it never reached the point that we wanted to give up because of different religions. We will however inject Islam to our children.” Alhamdulillah, Toni has embraced Islam.
If given the chance to live her life again, would she still marry a Muslim? Toni answered, “I would marry a man who has the qualities of a good husband and a good father just like Aquil. Religion is not a question. What is important is we understand our differences and that we love each other.”
Shahanee on the other hand was born and will forever be a Muslim while Vernie was a Roman Catholic before. He converted to Islam two years before he and Shahanee tied the knot. The two have been friends for a very long time and so Vernie was aware that Shahanee could never marry a non-Muslim.
“He actually wondered what difference it makes marrying a Muslim rather than a Christian man,’” Shahanee stated. “I did not know then that he was starting to like me. He asked me how he could get to know more about my religion. I then gave him books and pamphlets on Islam for him to read. I also told him to meet the people in the mosque so he can learn more about Islam.”
The road to marrying Shahanee was however a very bumpy one for Vernie. “It was like the song, ‘You and me against the world’,” Shahanee said. “Most of my relatives wanted me to marry a man with the same tribe as ours (the Maguindanao tribe from Magundanao province) and a born Muslim.”
Vernie’s family was skeptical about his earnest desire to marry a Muslim girl. They wanted him to marry someone with the same culture and values as theirs. They were also worried about how much dowry (bridal money) would be demanded by Shahanee’s family. In Islam, dowry is the gift of the groom to the bride and is a prerequisite to marriage.
Because Vernie converted to Islam two years before they got married, things were easier for him and Shahanee. “Prior to our union, he was given two years to think, reflect and try to get rid of the things that Islam prohibit its believers such as drinking liquor, gambling, etc.’” Shahanee narrated.
The two now have a beautiful son named Zaid. Because they are Muslims, they will teach Zaid the Islamic way of life which is a life based on the Holy Qur’an and the tradition of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), the Messenger of Allah the Almighty.
I asked Shahanee if she was given the chance to live her life again, would she still marry a man not of the same faith as hers. She replied, “I had studied in Catholic schools from elementary until college. I realized that Christianity and Islam have lots of similarities. To love Allah above all, to be kind and dutiful to one’s parents, to respect and deal with others with justice. The line of difference between Christianity and Islam is the belief in Christ (may peace be upon him). The Christians believe that Christ is one of the three persons in one God-the trinity, while in Islam, we consider him as one of the prophets sent by God. The teachings of Christ were continued by the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him).”
When I asked these two strong-willed women what the key to a successful and happy marriage is, Toni replied, “There should be love, respect, open-mindedness, understanding, trust, support, and most importantly, friendship. Aquil and I treat each other as best friends. We share with each other our fears, plans, funny childhood memories, and even the latest gossip.”
Shahanee said to achieve a successful marriage requires you and your partner to have the same faith and fear in God. “For if one is conscious in his relationship with his Creator, he will be careful in his words and actions with others,” she voiced. “Very important also is that everything a man does should seek only God’s pleasure.”
Two loving couples. Their different family backgrounds and roots have not stopped them to keep their marriage alive. In fact, I gather that it is these differences that have molded them into better people. They have become broad-minded, accepting, deferential, considerate, and objective human beings.
I am a Maranao-Muslim and was wedded to a fellow Maranao-Muslim. And yet, the union lasted for only six years. So having the same faith or culture is not really a guarantee that your marriage will last. (Sigh!)
Despite this failure I had undergone, I constantly say marriage is still a wonderful gift from God. However, a lasting one is a miracle. I constantly wish the Aquil-Toni and Vernie-Shahanee tandems (and all the other couples) in the world the miracle they deserve.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
Promised Hands
written by Salma Jayne A. Tamano
first published in ME Magazine
Married to a stranger? This may give a woman goose bumps but in the Maranao society, marriages are usually arranged, meaning a person’s family decides whom he or she marries. They are paired off for reasons that involve politics, social status, or friendship. Sometimes, it is to bring distant relatives closer so as not to taint the family blood with a foreign one. This has been a tradition that goes years back and practiced by many families up to now. Non-Maranaos often wonder if such marriages do last.
I spoke to two daughters of prominent families from Lanao del Sur who married men they have not met before the matchmaking. They are Samee, a practicing social worker and daughter of former mayor Wahid Daksla, and Alexa (not her real name) whose family is also engaged in politics and is an employee of a giant cellular phone company in Metro Manila.
Their parents and relatives planned Samee and Amer’s marriage. A common relative first went to Amer’s family and told them that Mayor Daksla had a daughter who was single and already of the marrying age. She would be perfect for the youngest son of the late Sultan Serad Aguam. The Dakslas and the Aguams are royal families that are distantly related, therefore the match was considered perfect.
After the matchmaking, Amer visited Samee in her house but barely got a glimpse of her for she did not come out to entertain him. They finally got to see and talk to each other in a restaurant in Iligan City three days after the groom’s family proposed to hers. “The purpose of the meeting was for us to get acquainted,“ Samee explained. “My sister accompanied me. I didn’t like him when I saw him. He didn’t seem to like me either. He just wanted to settle down because he wasn’t getting any younger. He’s eleven years older than I am. I even suggested to him that he marry my older sister instead.”
Supposedly, the couple would be wed on August 7, 1997. “But then there was a conflict about the dowry,” Samee said. “An argument arose between our families that led to the canceling of the wedding. The pride or maratabat of both sides were touched. I found that weird because I thought arranged marriages always pushed through. I was happy because I had other plans for myself, career-wise. The last I heard his family was eyeing another girl for him while someone also wanted to propose to me.” (Dowries, or gifts for the bride, oftentimes compose of cash to be spent for the wedding, jewelry, parcels of land, a house complete with furniture and appliances, a car, and whatever the girl’s family will demand from the groom.
Nowadays, the dowry can go up to one million pesos in cash, depending on the social status of the bride and groom.)
However, fate was persistent. One day in Iligan City, Samee and Amer saw each other in a Kodak store. “I said hi to him and asked him how he was,” she narrated. “He stared at me and couldn’t speak for a while. Then he said he wanted to marry me. I told him it would be difficult because my family’s pride was hurt. He said he would beg his family to ask my family to reconsider. He did just that and after a lot of negotiations, we’re now together.”
In the morning of their wedding day on January 17, 1998, Samee got cold feet. “I cried,” she said. “I felt nervous, confused, and afraid. I asked myself if I was doing the right thing. I was marrying a complete stranger whom I didn’t love. I consoled myself by accepting my fate. And I trust my parents.”
When I asked her how their first night together was as Mr. and Mrs. Aguam, Samee shyly admitted she felt tense. Sensing her nervousness, Amer talked to her, asking what her likes and dislikes were. “We just conversed,” she professed. Was the marriage consummated the first night? “NO!” she quickly replied. “I was scared!”
Their marriage is solid as a rock now. “The more I got to know him, the more I realize I made the right decision,” Samee happily relates. “He’s a nice person. Although there are a lot of adjustments, we work and pray hard to make this work.”
Alexa was not as fortunate. Seeing that she was old enough to get married at the age of twenty-eight, her aunt and sister arranged her marriage to Hasheem (not his real name), a lawyer, and a distant relative of theirs. When she was younger, Alexa accepted that she would not marry a man of her choice because in her family, having a boyfriend was considered taboo. But when she learned that someone was being paired to her, she feared she might not like the guy and vice versa. She first saw him at a party. That same night, she cried herself to sleep.
Although Hasheem was not bad looking, Alexa was not attracted to him. During their wedding day, she felt numb. She went on with the ceremony just to please her family. “In our first night together, we talked about ourselves,” she narrated. “The following morning was when it all sank in. I was forever tied to someone I had no feelings for.”
Their first year together was a disaster. Hasheem was based in Marawi City for he taught in a university there. Alexa had a career in Manila that she would not give up. They only saw each other during holidays, which she secretly wanted. Whenever Hasheem arrived in Manila, she became nervous and irritable. They constantly fought especially whenever Alexa denies him her womanhood. “I couldn’t bear to give myself to someone I did not love,” she said, sighing. “I never had a peace of mind. I even planned to commit suicide because I felt life was not worth living anymore.”
Their families tried their very best to make their marriage work. According to Alexa, Hasheem courted her but his efforts were minimal and were not enough to get through her.
Divorce was inevitable due to their irreconcilable differences. In their second year of marriage, Hasheem gave up hope and never went back to Manila. Alexa meanwhile prepared the divorce papers and sent it to Hasheem for his signature.
“I’m glad divorce is permissible in Islam,” she uttered. “I’m at peace now. I don’t want to be single forever. I want to have my own family, a husband who has something in common with me. That way we have something to talk about. The important thing is, I should like him. The problem was in the beginning, my family didn’t ask me if I liked him. They didn’t give us the chance to check each other out, if we got along well or not, before plunging into something serious. They wouldn’t listen to me when I tried to talk to them.”
The stories of Samee and Alexa show that marriages can either succeed or fail just like those that are not parentally set up. This will largely depend on the couple. Once they agree to enter this sacred union, it is up to them to make it a happy and a healthy one instead of the opposite. The “for better or for worse, till death do us part” thing becomes a lifetime mission.
We Maranaos may find it hard to forget this tradition for it is a part of our culture but lately, some parents seek their children’s approval first before they are paired off. They also make sure their sons-in-law can financially and emotionally support their daughters fully well.
The romantic in me prays for the day when forced unions are gone forever and people marry primarily for love. After all, Islam acknowledges that love should be one of the major reasons for settling down.
As I write this article, I recall my late father telling me, “For a couple to grow old together, they have to make their marriage not people-centered nor world-centered but God-centered. Without God, their union will be doomed.”
Oftentimes, we either complicate things or we consciously or subconsciously ignore the simple ingredients to a happy and lasting marriage, which are love, respect, trust and prayers. Equipped with these, I am pretty sure couples can easily brave whatever storm comes their way.
first published in ME Magazine
Married to a stranger? This may give a woman goose bumps but in the Maranao society, marriages are usually arranged, meaning a person’s family decides whom he or she marries. They are paired off for reasons that involve politics, social status, or friendship. Sometimes, it is to bring distant relatives closer so as not to taint the family blood with a foreign one. This has been a tradition that goes years back and practiced by many families up to now. Non-Maranaos often wonder if such marriages do last.
I spoke to two daughters of prominent families from Lanao del Sur who married men they have not met before the matchmaking. They are Samee, a practicing social worker and daughter of former mayor Wahid Daksla, and Alexa (not her real name) whose family is also engaged in politics and is an employee of a giant cellular phone company in Metro Manila.
Their parents and relatives planned Samee and Amer’s marriage. A common relative first went to Amer’s family and told them that Mayor Daksla had a daughter who was single and already of the marrying age. She would be perfect for the youngest son of the late Sultan Serad Aguam. The Dakslas and the Aguams are royal families that are distantly related, therefore the match was considered perfect.
After the matchmaking, Amer visited Samee in her house but barely got a glimpse of her for she did not come out to entertain him. They finally got to see and talk to each other in a restaurant in Iligan City three days after the groom’s family proposed to hers. “The purpose of the meeting was for us to get acquainted,“ Samee explained. “My sister accompanied me. I didn’t like him when I saw him. He didn’t seem to like me either. He just wanted to settle down because he wasn’t getting any younger. He’s eleven years older than I am. I even suggested to him that he marry my older sister instead.”
Supposedly, the couple would be wed on August 7, 1997. “But then there was a conflict about the dowry,” Samee said. “An argument arose between our families that led to the canceling of the wedding. The pride or maratabat of both sides were touched. I found that weird because I thought arranged marriages always pushed through. I was happy because I had other plans for myself, career-wise. The last I heard his family was eyeing another girl for him while someone also wanted to propose to me.” (Dowries, or gifts for the bride, oftentimes compose of cash to be spent for the wedding, jewelry, parcels of land, a house complete with furniture and appliances, a car, and whatever the girl’s family will demand from the groom.
Nowadays, the dowry can go up to one million pesos in cash, depending on the social status of the bride and groom.)
However, fate was persistent. One day in Iligan City, Samee and Amer saw each other in a Kodak store. “I said hi to him and asked him how he was,” she narrated. “He stared at me and couldn’t speak for a while. Then he said he wanted to marry me. I told him it would be difficult because my family’s pride was hurt. He said he would beg his family to ask my family to reconsider. He did just that and after a lot of negotiations, we’re now together.”
In the morning of their wedding day on January 17, 1998, Samee got cold feet. “I cried,” she said. “I felt nervous, confused, and afraid. I asked myself if I was doing the right thing. I was marrying a complete stranger whom I didn’t love. I consoled myself by accepting my fate. And I trust my parents.”
When I asked her how their first night together was as Mr. and Mrs. Aguam, Samee shyly admitted she felt tense. Sensing her nervousness, Amer talked to her, asking what her likes and dislikes were. “We just conversed,” she professed. Was the marriage consummated the first night? “NO!” she quickly replied. “I was scared!”
Their marriage is solid as a rock now. “The more I got to know him, the more I realize I made the right decision,” Samee happily relates. “He’s a nice person. Although there are a lot of adjustments, we work and pray hard to make this work.”
Alexa was not as fortunate. Seeing that she was old enough to get married at the age of twenty-eight, her aunt and sister arranged her marriage to Hasheem (not his real name), a lawyer, and a distant relative of theirs. When she was younger, Alexa accepted that she would not marry a man of her choice because in her family, having a boyfriend was considered taboo. But when she learned that someone was being paired to her, she feared she might not like the guy and vice versa. She first saw him at a party. That same night, she cried herself to sleep.
Although Hasheem was not bad looking, Alexa was not attracted to him. During their wedding day, she felt numb. She went on with the ceremony just to please her family. “In our first night together, we talked about ourselves,” she narrated. “The following morning was when it all sank in. I was forever tied to someone I had no feelings for.”
Their first year together was a disaster. Hasheem was based in Marawi City for he taught in a university there. Alexa had a career in Manila that she would not give up. They only saw each other during holidays, which she secretly wanted. Whenever Hasheem arrived in Manila, she became nervous and irritable. They constantly fought especially whenever Alexa denies him her womanhood. “I couldn’t bear to give myself to someone I did not love,” she said, sighing. “I never had a peace of mind. I even planned to commit suicide because I felt life was not worth living anymore.”
Their families tried their very best to make their marriage work. According to Alexa, Hasheem courted her but his efforts were minimal and were not enough to get through her.
Divorce was inevitable due to their irreconcilable differences. In their second year of marriage, Hasheem gave up hope and never went back to Manila. Alexa meanwhile prepared the divorce papers and sent it to Hasheem for his signature.
“I’m glad divorce is permissible in Islam,” she uttered. “I’m at peace now. I don’t want to be single forever. I want to have my own family, a husband who has something in common with me. That way we have something to talk about. The important thing is, I should like him. The problem was in the beginning, my family didn’t ask me if I liked him. They didn’t give us the chance to check each other out, if we got along well or not, before plunging into something serious. They wouldn’t listen to me when I tried to talk to them.”
The stories of Samee and Alexa show that marriages can either succeed or fail just like those that are not parentally set up. This will largely depend on the couple. Once they agree to enter this sacred union, it is up to them to make it a happy and a healthy one instead of the opposite. The “for better or for worse, till death do us part” thing becomes a lifetime mission.
We Maranaos may find it hard to forget this tradition for it is a part of our culture but lately, some parents seek their children’s approval first before they are paired off. They also make sure their sons-in-law can financially and emotionally support their daughters fully well.
The romantic in me prays for the day when forced unions are gone forever and people marry primarily for love. After all, Islam acknowledges that love should be one of the major reasons for settling down.
As I write this article, I recall my late father telling me, “For a couple to grow old together, they have to make their marriage not people-centered nor world-centered but God-centered. Without God, their union will be doomed.”
Oftentimes, we either complicate things or we consciously or subconsciously ignore the simple ingredients to a happy and lasting marriage, which are love, respect, trust and prayers. Equipped with these, I am pretty sure couples can easily brave whatever storm comes their way.
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